Imagine going on a blind date only to have the whole thing blow up in your face in a matter of minutes?  Most of us have limited expectations for these things anyway, but I think this recent story sets a new record for the torpedoed mission.  For those of us who have ventured into the world of online dating, this woman’s tale may not come as a surprise, but if you’re new to the experience, or have had your own share of doozies you found completely ridiculous, you might want to read the following…..

“The minute he walked into the bar, I knew it wouldn’t last.

“I’m no stranger to dating. At 35, I’ve been on more dates than I can recall – blind, or otherwise. The truth is: most of them can’t beat a good bottle of wine, buttered popcorn and a John Hughes flick.

“I’ve joined dating services, paid my dues for their ridiculous ‘match’ fees, and dolled myself up for a night of misery. Ok, they weren’t all bad, but let’s just say my ‘matches’ haven’t really matched that well. After a rather unfortunate encounter two years ago with a blind date (set up by one online dating service) I swore off online dating altogether. He was NOT 35, he was NOT tall and he was most definitely NOT interesting. He was an old man looking for a good time and posted a fake photo, fake profile, fake everything. It was a disastrous evening and I threw in the towel. It’s just not worth it, I said to myself.

“I’m a believer in the theory: when it happens it happens. I don’t rush love and I don’t expect love to come trotting down my street on a white horse. But, I can admit that once in a while I get lonely. As a travel writer I trot the globe and my favorite part is meeting new people. This year, as I boarded another plane to another country to another hotel, I thought it might be nice to bring along someone special on these trips. Maybe? So I took the plunge… again… and joined an online dating site. So far, so bad.

To read what happens, continue here.

I am thrilled to announce that the kick-off to National Singles Week begins here on That Happened to Me. Our guest blogger is Kimberly Neumann, actress and author of The Real Reasons Men Commit. The title of that book alone made me suspect that she had her fair share of dating (horror) stories and it seems I was right. Her post about dating the ex of a famous Hollywood actress brings up a good point - have you ever been intimidated by a new love interest’s ex? The subject of ex-girlfriends is always a sticky one, but when they are gorgeous, successful, or a genius to boot, it can make things especially tough as you can feel instantly compared. Forget about the fact that that they might have been a lunatic or a commitment-phobe, they used to be an underwear model!  How will you measure up?

Kimberly got a first-hand look as to why a person cannot be judged by their ex alone.

I Dated Mr. Ex-of-a-Hollywood Starlet

“He’s really cute, tall, fit and so your type I think,” cooed my PR friend Heidi* into my cell phone.  “I just had lunch with him and showed him your photo and he said, ‘Give me her number.’”

Relationship Expert Kimberly Neumann

“You should go out with him!”

I sighed on the other end of the phone. It’d been just over a year since my breakup-of-the-century with the tall, dark European man I’d thought was “the one,” who had instead obliterated my heart, and I was trying - really trying - to put myself out there again. “Okay,” I said “I trust you but what else do I need to know?”

“Oh, well, he also used to date a really famous Hollywood starlet and you kind of look like her,” said Heidi.

“That’s a little weird isn’t it?” I said, but she assured me it wasn’t. I hung up wondering what I had agreed to.

Well, later when HE called - let’s call him Mr. Ex-of-Starlet – we had a great, funny conversation on the phone. I was pleasantly surprised with the witty banter and not at all threatened (though by then I’d Googled him and found out just WHO the Hollywood ex was). Being that I’m also a Broadway performer in addition to a dating/relationship writer, I’m rarely star-struck because I work with people like that all the time and realize they’re just like me…they just got a break in the business that pushed them into a higher earning bracket. So, the fact that this dude had dated someone infinitely more famous than I didn’t bother me in the slightest. We made plans to meet for dinner in a couple days and I was surprised when I actually found myself looking forward to it. Maybe there was hope for my dating life after all.

A few flirty texts and funny emails later, I found myself at a cool Mexican restaurant face-to-face with someone who could possibly have been my type. For some reason I had dated predominately foreign men in the past, but this All-American guy was sort of appealing to me. He was a little bit hippy, a little bit jock and definitely tall (I don’t know why…I am barely 5’4 ½” but I have ALWAYS dated tall!!!!). We had a fun dinner and I managed to easily propel us into conversation (though in all honesty, I can usually get anyone to talk…I’m pretty chatty). Dinner led to another drink which led to some serious games of tennis and bowling on his Wii at his apartment. Oh, and some lovely kissing.

It was a good first date and I left looking forward to the next time I’d see him. Not once had it crossed my mind that this man had also kissed someone REALLY famous for a couple years. I was more interested in how he and I meshed.

But wow…did it ever cross my friends’ minds! “How can you go out with someone like that? Don’t you find yourself feeling insecure? I mean, wow…he dated HER.” Hmmm…should I feel insecure? My friends seemed more concerned about any of this than I did. However, their constant questioning did make me start to wonder. Should I have been thinking about that? I was hardly in US Weekly and was pretty sure I never would be, but I didn’t think that took away from my being a fun date for someone!
“Don’t worry, she’s gorgeous but you’re way smarter” said one of my friends. Ummmm…WHAT? I think there was a compliment in there somewhere but I’m not sure.

Anyway, I know I have a lot to bring to the table so I still wasn’t at all threatened. But I was left to ponder why my friends would plant these ideas in my head. That said, date #2 was air hockey (I annihilated him which he did not like) and cocktails and I was starting to think maybe I could have fun with this person.

By date #3, there seemed like there might actually be potential. I saw that in groups he put on this “I’m super cool” persona, but when we were together I cut through it and managed to get some real conversation out of him. Unfortunately, the “I’m on and this is how I greet my public” persona took over and the guy I saw glimpses of soon became shrouded in “scene” behavior.

The clincher on this relationship happened on my birthday. I had planned a classy soiree with a bunch of my friends and invited Mr. Ex-of-Starlet. He accepted. I was pleased. But then, he showed up with two rather socially inept friends in tow, acted like he was at a Frat party the whole night and made out with his Blackberry instead of me the entire time. When I asked him what he was doing later he actually said, “I’ll help you carry your sh&% home but then I think I want to get drunk.” Ummm…we were at a bar if he’d wanted to get drunk and the excrement to which he referred were all the wonderful birthday presents I’d received from friends when he hadn’t even managed to bring me a card or offer to buy me a birthday drink. It was crystal clear to me at that moment that this was not a match made in heaven. And if that was how he’d treated the “star” before me…I had no doubt why that relationship ended either. I told him to go home and we never spoke again.

Months later I was at a posh social club having an early dinner with a friend of mine when I heard an “Oh, hey…how are you doing?” from a couple seats over. Yup, it was Mr. Ex-of-Starlet. I knew we were both members of that club but that was the first time I’d seen him there. I stayed cool (and fortunately knew I looked REALLY cute that day), asked him about his business and he asked me about my recently published book. We had a nice conversation and for a moment I saw a glimpse of the man with whom I had thought there might be potential but then a minute passed and I heard him yell to a buddy, “Yeah, and this is the point where all the chicks start taking their tops off.” I guess you can take the Hollywood starlet from the boy, but you can’t stop the boy from acting like a Hollywood partier?

I smiled, confident that I would find someone much classier than Mr. Ex-of-Starlet. Perhaps I should go back to my penchant for European men. Actually, did you see my article on Antonio Sabato Jr. on
AOL (http://www.lemondrop.com/2009/09/14/dreaming-of-my-antonio/)? After interviewing him, maybe I need to skip dating the EXES of famous people and just go for Mr. Famous himself. Because I know for a fact, he’d look better in his Calvins!

But I’m sure my friends would have a field day with that one too. A better bet? Finding someone that thinks I’m HIS star. Yeah, I’m gonna hold out for that.

Kimberly Dawn Neumann is a popular New York City dating/relationship writer and author of The Real Reasons Men Commit: Why He Will – Or Won’t – Love, Honor and Marry You and Sex Comes First: 15 Ways to Save Your Relationship – Without Leaving Your Bedroom. A Broadway performer in addition to being a writer, she has appeared on the Great White Way in such shows as A Chorus Line, Ragtime and Annie Get Your Gun. She is frequently called “The Carrie Bradshaw of Broadway” owing to her two careers. For more: www.KDNeumann.com.

*name changed for privacy purposes

Chemistry - Can You Feel It?

I love this post for several reasons: it has drama, intrigue, juicy gossip, and best of all, no one gets hurt in the end.

HOWEVER, both the writer and I feel strongly that it could have just as easily gone differently had she not had her defenses up from the beginning.
As women we tend to be trusting, seeking genuine, fairy-tale-like love around every corner when honestly, we need to get a grip. Real life rarely (if ever) works like it does in romantic comedies. Our trusty dater Tiffany (who you might remember from her earlier post, “I’m Tiffany, Bitch) recently entered the world of online dating and got a quick lesson in WTF?

Personally, I thought African scammers were confined to Nigerian royalty with overflowing bank accounts, but apparently, I’m wrong.  Ladies, let’s say it all together now: Don’t fall for a person - or situation - that seems to good to be true.  This seems like a big “duh,” but for every one of us who rolls our eyes and thinks she would never fall for such crap, there is a woman who will believe.

A Tale of Two Men Scammers

The other night I decided to stop online dating. I hadn’t been doing it for very long. But I pretty quickly discovered that maybe it wasn’t time just yet. It’s been a year since my divorce and I just recently started dating again. I thought I’d give online dating a try because I don’t really think it’s any different than meeting men in bars. And nothing could be worse than my first date (see my earlier post, “I’m Tiffany, Bitch”). Sure, they can lie about their age, the age of their pictures, their height and everything else. But guys in bars can lie just as well about wives, children, jobs – and they don’t have to write a profile.

My success rate? Meh. I mean – it beat my first date. But I don’t think a lot of men are interested in a 40-something divorced gal with a child like me. (We’re needy, clingy and desperate, as my first date indicated.) Good thing I’m about quality vs. quantity – I met only two guys with real potential.

NOW we get to the meaty bit. These guys seemed too good to be true. And they were.

As a notorious suspicious gal like me, this turned ok. But it wouldn’t have for those less paranoid.  I was on two different dating sites. The first was really cheap and dedicated to single parents. (I know!). The second was one of the mainstream ones that control the conversation. You know, like eHarmony.  But they had one thing in common: two guys with very similar stories.

Dating Site #1: Dan, 40-ish, lived in Northern California. He had a young daughter and tragically, Dan’s ex-wife was an alcoholic and a drug addict.  So somehow Dan got a court to agree to let him move his daughter to the UK to live with his mother.  Instead of living with her dad here in the U.S. where her mom could still visit sometimes (plausible?).  Meanwhile, Dan was some sort of independent contractor and he’d just won some business in an undisclosed place in Africa.  Dan was looking for true love.  And he was going to bring his little girl home to California to live with her daddy – and the true love he met online (me!) when he finished his Africa project.  We corresponded for 2 days.  I had too many outstanding questions and quickly removed myself as a contender.
Dating Site #2: Rick, 44 with an “interesting” (his word) nine-year-old son (who some days was apparently, 11). The son was the product of a loving relationship between Rick and Jenny (ever heard of the Splatterhouse video game’s, Rick and Jennifer?).  Tragically, Jenny had died in a horrific auto crash.  The child went to live with Jenny’s mom in Seattle. Because Rick is a kind-hearted pediatric doctor who travels all over to save sick kids.  And when we “met” he was days away from heading to Africa on a mission of sorts.  So we’d have to correspond for 8 weeks and meet when he got back.

Do these stories sound similar? Just a tiny bit?

More similarities/red flags: 

• Horrendous grammar and punctuation (as , in every , other word was, separated , by misplaced commas)
•  Odd use of British terms.  Worked for Dan cos he claimed to be English.  But Rick? He (allegedly) went to WSU and Stanford.  
• No reason for the Brit in him to come out. Informed on the surface about their perspective businesses,  but neither was willing to discuss it too much “because talking about you is more important, babe.” (Who calls a girl they’ve never met, “babe”?)  
• Both were romantic. They loved wine. Walks on the beach. Touching fingers.

To be frank, at first I thought I was just being paranoid. But, seriously?  My bells started ringing the minute I saw Rick’s story.  Because it was creepily similar to Dan’s.

So I continued to talk to Rick to see where this was going to go.  He promptly asked me to move off the dating site’s service (red flag) because he had a life change (red flag) and would be cancelling his membership effective TOMORROW.

I created a fake email/IM account and let the games begin.  And because I’m competitive, I told a friend from the get-go that I thought this was a scam. Hell – I told Rick I thought so.  We chatted.  He’d catch me online at all hours and I typically acted busy, had 2-minute conversations and that was it.  But when he came back from Africa we were going to have the reunion of all reunions at a cozy Italian restaurant in Beverly Hills, where we’d drink wine, touch fingers and kiss oh-so-romantically.  Oh, and then I’d be his wife and the mother of his child. THAT fast.

When we chatted, he always seemed to be having another conversation.  Often, he’d IM me something that made no sense.  But usually it involved money or lost baggage or bitching about his mother in law-to-be-had-Jenny-not-tragically-died.Then one day? He asked me to send him a care package.  UNICEF had lost his bags and never sent him supplies.  I didn’t reply.  I was like the Cowardly Lion and logged off.  For two weeks he kept looking for me online.  When he finally found me he professed his undying love for me.  And then…

Rick: “Tiffany, can I ask you a favor?

Tiffany: “Depends on what it is.”

Rick: “Can you give me a loan?”

Tiffany: “Nope.”

I logged off and blocked him from my fake email account.

I talked to Rick in the first place because I knew he’d do this.  And I needed the proof to be able to tell the story to others.  Had I talked to “Dan,” I’m sure he would have had some tragic thing happen in Africa that required my financial assistance.  These profiles are scammers.  And they prey on vulnerable women like you and me.

The experience made me more observant.  I found locally born and raised lawyers, doctors, marketers and others with horrendous grammar. Not the type that’s borne out of laziness or a bad education.  Rather the type that’s a result of having English as a second or third language.  Then there were the guys who immediately professed their love, who somehow knew that I was a good woman who wants to bow down to her man (not in those words).  Um, that would NOT be me.  Then I started noticing the same photos used with different profiles and vice versa.  And the list goes on.

Ladies, there are good guys on dating sites.  I met two.  But there are also many very bad (men? Women? Bots?) who prey on vulnerable women and take their money, self esteem and lives.  I’m not saying normal people don’t meet other normal people online.  I will again in time.  But if you do it, please be vigilant and smart – and as I’ve said before, don’t check your self-esteem at the door.  Because your self-esteem is the compass that will guide you in ways you can trust.

As you guys know, I am the LA Chapter president of SingleWomenRule.com.  What that means exactly, is that I host events for single women professionals in the area.  Tuesday was our launch event and I could not be happier with the way things went.  I invited a bunch of women who I had “met” previously through various channels - some at networking events, and some online - and invited them out to meet, share ideas and generally commiserate about what it’s like to be a working women in this town.  We not only found we had lots in common, but we were psyched to discover we all had complimentary interests and resources despite diverse professional backgrounds.  But most importantly, we were all willing to share our ideas and information.  Exactly the kind of environment I was hoping to create. 

After about 2 1/2 hours, the restaurant wanted to close, so we packed it up and promised to do it again next month.  I am so excited that I am already planning it.  So to those of you who came - thank you for driving out and making room in your busy schedules - and for those of you who couldn’t make it, we will see you next time.  There’s always room at the table at Single Women Rule.

Are you a single woman between the ages of 25 and 40 without kids of your own? Was this a conscious choice or due to varying life circumstances? Based on requests from its readers, our parnters at SingleWomenRule.com have created a new section dedicated to discussing this “alternative” lifestyle. While the world often seems dedicated to promoting family values, those of us who have opted to wait to start our families - or forego them altogether - are an equally vibrant and significant part of society. We are not crying into our oatmeal or joining cat appreciation societies. We just don’t have kids. Is that so wrong?

Share your thoughts with us. We’d love to hear from you about how you are choosing to live your life.

www.singlewomenrule.com