Regrets. We all have them, right? I am always interested in hearing what people count among theirs. Sometimes I am surprised at what they say: not having attended college X, not moving to that new city when they had the chance, not being ready for a relationship with The One when he was around - and interested.

In this article from HBO producer Sheila Nevins, she reveals the regrets of a group of older women; at a dinner party celebrating a mutual girlfriend’s 60th birthday they play the game Do It Yesterday.  I was surprised - and saddened - to read of the deep regrets these women had - about marrying the wrong man, not having children and staying in the closet, among them.  Not exactly throwaway comments about not learning to skydive or wishing you had backpacked through Europe.

It made me think about what I consider to be my own regrets, and ponder how I might answer if I were asked that question on the brink of my 6th decade.  With that much living under one’s belt, it seems impossible not to have taken a wrong turn here or there, but what causes a complete derailment on the road of life, causing the equivalent of one’s own personal faultline?  A crevice so deep everything else around it also succumbs.  Is it actually the wrong turn, or our decision to stay on that course, even knowing deep down that it isn’t the right one, that’s the culprit?

If you are reading this blog, you’ve probably found yourself at an unexpected place in life.  Whether it was your decision or a decision made for you by an ex, YOU ARE HERE.  Probably single, maybe unemployed, and definitely pondering your next steps.  What these next steps are will determine how you answer the question 30 years down the road: What are your regrets?

We can’t regret someone else’s behavior.  But we can regret our reaction to it (happens all the time, right?)  But then what? Once you realize it’s a regret, what do you do with it?

I’m learning something: there is a big difference between happy people and sad people, and I’m getting the feeling that the happy people’s regret columns are a lot shorter.  Sad people tend to need more paper.  Why is that?  You can bet it’s not because the happy person has never taken a misstep.  Granted, it’s not as simple as “turning lemons into lemonade” (a phrase that generally really rubs me the wrong way).  We all make mistakes because we’re human.  To try and avoid mistake making is to live a life of constant fear, the quickest route to Regret City.  It’s the ability to look at a situation, size it up and move forward, that will shift your list from column A to column B.

I am not suggesting this shift happens overnight.  This is where the lemonade comment tends to get on my nerves.  The process of acknowledging that something isn’t a good fit for us can take months, even years.  The journey can’t be rushed.  But when the answer makes itself known, it’s time for action.

It’s in those moments that I think we have the power to avoid living a life of regrets.  A series of definitive moments allows us to choose our paths and change course when need be.  Recognize your choices and the fact that life is a fluid process.

Do I regret ever getting into a relationship that would ultimately hurt me?  It’s complicated, because then I have to imagine what I would have been doing instead all those years.  And that’s a slippery slope.  It happened.  I was a conscious part of it.  Now it’s time for the next phase.   When I am 60, if someone asked me if I regretted the relationship, I would say no.  However, if they asked me about my life that followed, I want to be able to say no, too.  That’s where I am right now.  At one of my definitive moments.  My choices now will make all the difference in how I answer later.

I am listening very closely to myself about what I want and not panicking about what I don’t yet have the answers to.  What’s that phrase, you won’t regret the things you did, but rather the things you didn’t do.  Yeah, I agree with that.

I am so pleased to feature a guest blogger today.  Ms.FloridaTransplant has been gracious enough to share with us her feelings about divorce and starting life anew.  I am sure many of us can relate to the rollercoaster of feelings and emotions she explored and continues to explore as she makes her way through her new life as just a girl and her dogs. 

“Let’s get this out in the open – I married young to the man I planned to grow old with.  He did some horrible things that landed him in the “bastard” category.  My heart was broken in a way no one should experience.  A stranger within me emerged, engulfed in self-pity and weakness.  I experienced anger, confusion, denial, and spent most of my time feeling as though I was completely alone. 

Accepting that my marriage was destroyed was difficult.  The emotional investment one makes in a marriage is huge.  I felt as though I had failed myself, our families, & God.  I was embarrassed to tell people I was getting divorced.  Up until he told me he was leaving, I thought we would grow old together. I wondered whose eyes our children would have and what sports they would play. I daydreamed about what a great father he would be. 

I went through the “what if” and “why me” phases.  And boy did I fight the grieving process!  I tried to face the emotions I was experiencing head-on, but I saw no progress.  This caused frustration because I knew I needed “TIME” to heal, but I longed to be able to stop feeling pain. I wanted to get through one day at work without tearing up at my desk.  I wanted to sleep through an entire night without dreaming about the events that had taken place.  I wanted to go through the grieving process without taking frequent steps backwards. 

A turning point occurred when I went snorkeling one afternoon.  The ocean was choppy and despite my best efforts to swim forward, the waves continually pushed me back toward the boat.  I got frustrated.  I was tired of fighting the waves without making any progress.  As my goggles filled with tears of frustration (or was it salt water?), I saw a large school of fish at the bottom of the sea.  They were simply relaxing and letting the current move them around. They swayed back and forth with the ocean rather than fighting it. 

I realized that fighting the grieving process was only causing me to have more negative feelings. It was counter-productive and making me feel worse about myself because with every weak moment, I felt like I “lost” a battle.   I then relaxed my body and only swam when the rhythm of the ocean allowed me to make progress.  I felt at peace for the first time since my husband had left me. I could relax and enjoy the sights beneath me. I was in control of where I went, but I let the ocean determine how quickly I would get there. I stopped fighting what I couldn’t control.  
 
I applied this “life lesson” to the grieving process. Six months later, I am still trying to navigate the “moving on” phase of my divorce…except it’s a hell of a lot harder than the self-help books describe!  I can put on a façade each day in order to appear as though I’m moving on successfully, but truly healing is a completely different story.  I know I must heal before I can effectively move on and live my life to its fullest potential, but how is this done? 

I feel alone.  Friends and family try to support me, but they don’t understand the anxiety, gut-wrenching pain, and unending tears I’ve been through.  I need a new plan, new dreams, and new things to look forward to each day. I need to learn to be comfortable being alone. I need to find who I am without him. I need to embrace God’s plan for me. 

Sometimes life’s biggest disappointments turn out to be some of the best things that will ever happen to you.  A lot of it is about perspective.  The ball is in my court – I’m going to embrace this opportunity to learn about myself and become a stronger woman.”

I am so appreciative of Ms. Florida’s blog, that I wrote a guest blog for her website, expressing many of the same emotions.  You can read it, and follow Ms. Florida by going to her site:

http://www.floridatransplant.blogspot.com/