She’s baaaack.

It’s Tiffany.  Fresh from a winter break-up and ready to spill the beans.

*Confessions of a Vulnerable Woman*

I have a confession to make. I haven’t been acting very Tiffany-like the last few months. In fact, I did the exact opposite of what I professed to do here. The exact opposite of what I promised the moment I bought that Tiffany jewelry several months ago.

I met a man. And I let him hurt me.

He was smart enough, witty enough, successful enough and tall enough. He was HANDSOME. He said all the right things. We had a zillion common interests. And we connected instantly.

Ironically, and after a 4-hour dinner, we decided to go back to the scene of the crime – the place where my first post-divorce date told me he wanted to be able to have sex with me and leave at any time.

Ironically, this is where I fell for him.

I’ll be honest: I was blind. He said from the beginning that he didn’t have the “time” for a relationship. His job and his son were his priorities, which I can completely relate to. He kept telling me that I’d be in a very different place in one year, and that he was put in my life here, now, to serve a purpose.

I didn’t really understand what he meant by all that, I suppose. So I accepted seeing him only occasionally. And I accepted that I didn’t have his phone number. Never went to his house. And we corresponded only via email.

But when we were together? It was intense. Intensity I’d never felt before – or maybe just not in years. Intensity that said to me that he’d drop whatever he was doing – job and child aside – for me. Intensity that said he missed me (which he also said verbally) and wanted to be with me. And oh…passion.

But the unsettled feeling in the pit of my stomach kept bugging me and one night after too much wine I asked the question. And I got the answer.

“It’s not serious with her.”

So what was I? We talked about it for hours.

“You are amazing. Wonderful. Important. Fun. You are a great date. We are lovers,” he said. The bottom line is that I was all that was missing from his relationship. I filled in a lot of blanks – and it was perfect.

Perfect for him. So I ended it two days later, thanks to pressure from a couple good friends. Thinking back, he was pretty honest from the beginning that he didn’t want a relationship. As things progressed, our connection grew deeper and the relationship intensified, so I started to believe that maybe that had changed. But then he’d say, “We’re not in a place where we could hurt each other.” It was all right there in front of me. Yet I chose to ignore it because I really fell for him hard. But, ultimately I had a hard time accepting that I was filling in for the inadequacies of someone else’s relationship.

I’ve since been told that I should have rolled with it - that he was really good for me on many levels, and that a “transitional”or “fill-in” relationship is what I really need right now. I’ve been asked to consider that sort of relationship with others.  Apparently, it’s common for people to get involved with each other to fill time, as a placebo for a real committed relationship, to make up for what’s missing in their current relationship.  And it really, really works for some people.

“Don’t hurt me, and I won’t hurt you,” he’d say. But in this sort of transitional relationship – any relationship, really – doesn’t someone always get hurt? Or is it that this “transitional relationship” thing is just not for me or not for me right now? Is it that I’m too vulnerable (it’s tattooed on my forehead)? Care too much? Am missing out on a good thing? Is it possible to throw up an emotional wall and go for it?

What say you?

One final thing: Maybe it wasn’t so much that I let him hurt me. Maybe I let me hurt me. And maybe the guy in my first post wasn’t so bad after all. At least he was brutally honest.

“Wow, this is good.”

That’s the first thought that popped into my head as I read Penelope Trunk’s blog about feeling lost (There’s No Magic Pill for Being Lost).  In actuality, the blog entry is much bigger than that; it’s about that sinking feeling you get when your personal life has unraveled, your career path is unsteady and you’re looking around wondering, “how did I get here?”

If you’re not familiar with Penelope Trunk or her blog, I say get thee there now.  She’s smart.  She’s launching start-ups.  She’s a mom.  And most importantly, she is very brave.  She’s what used to be called an “overshare-er,” but is now referred to as “transparent.”  Call it whatever you want, but she has artfully done what people always warn you not to, but secretly wish you would, so that there is at least someone addressing what we are all thinking and feeling.

***

“When I was in the mental ward, it was mostly girls in their teens with messed up track records and eating disorders. But my roommate was from Kellogg, a top-ten business school.

I thought it was insane that she was there. She was so smart. She was going to be great at work. Her only problem was that her fiancée had just broken off their engagement. I thought she would be fine—there are so many other men to be had. But before I could ask her to explain, she tried to electrocute herself in the bathtub, with a blow-drier, and she was moved to the high-security ward.

That has been on my mind as my relationship with the farmer has unraveled.”

Read the rest of There’s No Magic Pill For Being Lost.

Imagine going on a blind date only to have the whole thing blow up in your face in a matter of minutes?  Most of us have limited expectations for these things anyway, but I think this recent story sets a new record for the torpedoed mission.  For those of us who have ventured into the world of online dating, this woman’s tale may not come as a surprise, but if you’re new to the experience, or have had your own share of doozies you found completely ridiculous, you might want to read the following…..

“The minute he walked into the bar, I knew it wouldn’t last.

“I’m no stranger to dating. At 35, I’ve been on more dates than I can recall – blind, or otherwise. The truth is: most of them can’t beat a good bottle of wine, buttered popcorn and a John Hughes flick.

“I’ve joined dating services, paid my dues for their ridiculous ‘match’ fees, and dolled myself up for a night of misery. Ok, they weren’t all bad, but let’s just say my ‘matches’ haven’t really matched that well. After a rather unfortunate encounter two years ago with a blind date (set up by one online dating service) I swore off online dating altogether. He was NOT 35, he was NOT tall and he was most definitely NOT interesting. He was an old man looking for a good time and posted a fake photo, fake profile, fake everything. It was a disastrous evening and I threw in the towel. It’s just not worth it, I said to myself.

“I’m a believer in the theory: when it happens it happens. I don’t rush love and I don’t expect love to come trotting down my street on a white horse. But, I can admit that once in a while I get lonely. As a travel writer I trot the globe and my favorite part is meeting new people. This year, as I boarded another plane to another country to another hotel, I thought it might be nice to bring along someone special on these trips. Maybe? So I took the plunge… again… and joined an online dating site. So far, so bad.

To read what happens, continue here.

I am thrilled to announce that the kick-off to National Singles Week begins here on That Happened to Me. Our guest blogger is Kimberly Neumann, actress and author of The Real Reasons Men Commit. The title of that book alone made me suspect that she had her fair share of dating (horror) stories and it seems I was right. Her post about dating the ex of a famous Hollywood actress brings up a good point - have you ever been intimidated by a new love interest’s ex? The subject of ex-girlfriends is always a sticky one, but when they are gorgeous, successful, or a genius to boot, it can make things especially tough as you can feel instantly compared. Forget about the fact that that they might have been a lunatic or a commitment-phobe, they used to be an underwear model!  How will you measure up?

Kimberly got a first-hand look as to why a person cannot be judged by their ex alone.

I Dated Mr. Ex-of-a-Hollywood Starlet

“He’s really cute, tall, fit and so your type I think,” cooed my PR friend Heidi* into my cell phone.  “I just had lunch with him and showed him your photo and he said, ‘Give me her number.’”

Relationship Expert Kimberly Neumann

“You should go out with him!”

I sighed on the other end of the phone. It’d been just over a year since my breakup-of-the-century with the tall, dark European man I’d thought was “the one,” who had instead obliterated my heart, and I was trying - really trying - to put myself out there again. “Okay,” I said “I trust you but what else do I need to know?”

“Oh, well, he also used to date a really famous Hollywood starlet and you kind of look like her,” said Heidi.

“That’s a little weird isn’t it?” I said, but she assured me it wasn’t. I hung up wondering what I had agreed to.

Well, later when HE called - let’s call him Mr. Ex-of-Starlet – we had a great, funny conversation on the phone. I was pleasantly surprised with the witty banter and not at all threatened (though by then I’d Googled him and found out just WHO the Hollywood ex was). Being that I’m also a Broadway performer in addition to a dating/relationship writer, I’m rarely star-struck because I work with people like that all the time and realize they’re just like me…they just got a break in the business that pushed them into a higher earning bracket. So, the fact that this dude had dated someone infinitely more famous than I didn’t bother me in the slightest. We made plans to meet for dinner in a couple days and I was surprised when I actually found myself looking forward to it. Maybe there was hope for my dating life after all.

A few flirty texts and funny emails later, I found myself at a cool Mexican restaurant face-to-face with someone who could possibly have been my type. For some reason I had dated predominately foreign men in the past, but this All-American guy was sort of appealing to me. He was a little bit hippy, a little bit jock and definitely tall (I don’t know why…I am barely 5’4 ½” but I have ALWAYS dated tall!!!!). We had a fun dinner and I managed to easily propel us into conversation (though in all honesty, I can usually get anyone to talk…I’m pretty chatty). Dinner led to another drink which led to some serious games of tennis and bowling on his Wii at his apartment. Oh, and some lovely kissing.

It was a good first date and I left looking forward to the next time I’d see him. Not once had it crossed my mind that this man had also kissed someone REALLY famous for a couple years. I was more interested in how he and I meshed.

But wow…did it ever cross my friends’ minds! “How can you go out with someone like that? Don’t you find yourself feeling insecure? I mean, wow…he dated HER.” Hmmm…should I feel insecure? My friends seemed more concerned about any of this than I did. However, their constant questioning did make me start to wonder. Should I have been thinking about that? I was hardly in US Weekly and was pretty sure I never would be, but I didn’t think that took away from my being a fun date for someone!
“Don’t worry, she’s gorgeous but you’re way smarter” said one of my friends. Ummmm…WHAT? I think there was a compliment in there somewhere but I’m not sure.

Anyway, I know I have a lot to bring to the table so I still wasn’t at all threatened. But I was left to ponder why my friends would plant these ideas in my head. That said, date #2 was air hockey (I annihilated him which he did not like) and cocktails and I was starting to think maybe I could have fun with this person.

By date #3, there seemed like there might actually be potential. I saw that in groups he put on this “I’m super cool” persona, but when we were together I cut through it and managed to get some real conversation out of him. Unfortunately, the “I’m on and this is how I greet my public” persona took over and the guy I saw glimpses of soon became shrouded in “scene” behavior.

The clincher on this relationship happened on my birthday. I had planned a classy soiree with a bunch of my friends and invited Mr. Ex-of-Starlet. He accepted. I was pleased. But then, he showed up with two rather socially inept friends in tow, acted like he was at a Frat party the whole night and made out with his Blackberry instead of me the entire time. When I asked him what he was doing later he actually said, “I’ll help you carry your sh&% home but then I think I want to get drunk.” Ummm…we were at a bar if he’d wanted to get drunk and the excrement to which he referred were all the wonderful birthday presents I’d received from friends when he hadn’t even managed to bring me a card or offer to buy me a birthday drink. It was crystal clear to me at that moment that this was not a match made in heaven. And if that was how he’d treated the “star” before me…I had no doubt why that relationship ended either. I told him to go home and we never spoke again.

Months later I was at a posh social club having an early dinner with a friend of mine when I heard an “Oh, hey…how are you doing?” from a couple seats over. Yup, it was Mr. Ex-of-Starlet. I knew we were both members of that club but that was the first time I’d seen him there. I stayed cool (and fortunately knew I looked REALLY cute that day), asked him about his business and he asked me about my recently published book. We had a nice conversation and for a moment I saw a glimpse of the man with whom I had thought there might be potential but then a minute passed and I heard him yell to a buddy, “Yeah, and this is the point where all the chicks start taking their tops off.” I guess you can take the Hollywood starlet from the boy, but you can’t stop the boy from acting like a Hollywood partier?

I smiled, confident that I would find someone much classier than Mr. Ex-of-Starlet. Perhaps I should go back to my penchant for European men. Actually, did you see my article on Antonio Sabato Jr. on
AOL (http://www.lemondrop.com/2009/09/14/dreaming-of-my-antonio/)? After interviewing him, maybe I need to skip dating the EXES of famous people and just go for Mr. Famous himself. Because I know for a fact, he’d look better in his Calvins!

But I’m sure my friends would have a field day with that one too. A better bet? Finding someone that thinks I’m HIS star. Yeah, I’m gonna hold out for that.

Kimberly Dawn Neumann is a popular New York City dating/relationship writer and author of The Real Reasons Men Commit: Why He Will – Or Won’t – Love, Honor and Marry You and Sex Comes First: 15 Ways to Save Your Relationship – Without Leaving Your Bedroom. A Broadway performer in addition to being a writer, she has appeared on the Great White Way in such shows as A Chorus Line, Ragtime and Annie Get Your Gun. She is frequently called “The Carrie Bradshaw of Broadway” owing to her two careers. For more: www.KDNeumann.com.

*name changed for privacy purposes

Last week I had coffee with an exceptional woman who is building a business in this shaky economy.  But she believes so wholeheartedly in her mission that she is completely un-discouraged by news reports that imply certain failure.  She knows she is on to something good, and that with the right plans and preperation, she will certainly be successful.  I believer her 100%.

Julie’s website is called Heels Connect and it’s a great resource for professional women looking to take their careers to the next level.  Of course, when we met, the conversation quickly went from professional to personal and we couldn’t help but dish a little bit on striking a balance between being female entrepreneurs and single women.  Needless to say we shared a few laughs about how our goals on both sides can seem ridiculously out of reach sometimes!

She recently wrote a blog post that veered away from her usual career-minded topics, about finding true love in life only after she felt completely satsfied with the life she currently had.  She called it, “Who Do You Want When You’re Full?”  and likened finding a satisfying relationship to an excellent meal she had recently enjoyed with friends.

“When I’m starving, everything looks delicious.  I’m ready to eat anything to satisfy my hunger.  But I often regret what I ate when I’m full afterwards.  I wish I hadn’t stuffed myself.  The halibut, on the other hand, still tasted great even though I wasn’t hungry.  I still wanted it and enjoyed it immensely. And I had no regrets afterwards; I want the same in a man. No, I don’t want him to taste like  halibut…” Read more

She asked to me to respond with my thoughts on the matter, and naturally, I obliged.

Julie, you bring up an excellent point.

When you sat down to that meal, you were already satisfied. You didn’t arrive at the restaurant starving, diving into the bread basket, stuffing your face and counting the minutes until your meal arrived. You were enjoying good company and waiting patiently for what the waiter had described as a surely delicious meal. When the food arrived, you wholeheartedly enjoyed every last bite.