She’s baaaack.

It’s Tiffany.  Fresh from a winter break-up and ready to spill the beans.

*Confessions of a Vulnerable Woman*

I have a confession to make. I haven’t been acting very Tiffany-like the last few months. In fact, I did the exact opposite of what I professed to do here. The exact opposite of what I promised the moment I bought that Tiffany jewelry several months ago.

I met a man. And I let him hurt me.

He was smart enough, witty enough, successful enough and tall enough. He was HANDSOME. He said all the right things. We had a zillion common interests. And we connected instantly.

Ironically, and after a 4-hour dinner, we decided to go back to the scene of the crime – the place where my first post-divorce date told me he wanted to be able to have sex with me and leave at any time.

Ironically, this is where I fell for him.

I’ll be honest: I was blind. He said from the beginning that he didn’t have the “time” for a relationship. His job and his son were his priorities, which I can completely relate to. He kept telling me that I’d be in a very different place in one year, and that he was put in my life here, now, to serve a purpose.

I didn’t really understand what he meant by all that, I suppose. So I accepted seeing him only occasionally. And I accepted that I didn’t have his phone number. Never went to his house. And we corresponded only via email.

But when we were together? It was intense. Intensity I’d never felt before – or maybe just not in years. Intensity that said to me that he’d drop whatever he was doing – job and child aside – for me. Intensity that said he missed me (which he also said verbally) and wanted to be with me. And oh…passion.

But the unsettled feeling in the pit of my stomach kept bugging me and one night after too much wine I asked the question. And I got the answer.

“It’s not serious with her.”

So what was I? We talked about it for hours.

“You are amazing. Wonderful. Important. Fun. You are a great date. We are lovers,” he said. The bottom line is that I was all that was missing from his relationship. I filled in a lot of blanks – and it was perfect.

Perfect for him. So I ended it two days later, thanks to pressure from a couple good friends. Thinking back, he was pretty honest from the beginning that he didn’t want a relationship. As things progressed, our connection grew deeper and the relationship intensified, so I started to believe that maybe that had changed. But then he’d say, “We’re not in a place where we could hurt each other.” It was all right there in front of me. Yet I chose to ignore it because I really fell for him hard. But, ultimately I had a hard time accepting that I was filling in for the inadequacies of someone else’s relationship.

I’ve since been told that I should have rolled with it - that he was really good for me on many levels, and that a “transitional”or “fill-in” relationship is what I really need right now. I’ve been asked to consider that sort of relationship with others.  Apparently, it’s common for people to get involved with each other to fill time, as a placebo for a real committed relationship, to make up for what’s missing in their current relationship.  And it really, really works for some people.

“Don’t hurt me, and I won’t hurt you,” he’d say. But in this sort of transitional relationship – any relationship, really – doesn’t someone always get hurt? Or is it that this “transitional relationship” thing is just not for me or not for me right now? Is it that I’m too vulnerable (it’s tattooed on my forehead)? Care too much? Am missing out on a good thing? Is it possible to throw up an emotional wall and go for it?

What say you?

One final thing: Maybe it wasn’t so much that I let him hurt me. Maybe I let me hurt me. And maybe the guy in my first post wasn’t so bad after all. At least he was brutally honest.

I am very excited today to post this entry from a Very Good Friend of ours here at THTM.  She is a fabulous single, professional woman, fresh out of a divorce and ready to explore her new life.  However, she just got her first taste of dating as a more mature woman, and as she was regaling me with this story one night over drinks, I just knew I had to share with the

A Timeless Treat

class.  So I asked if she would put her story in writing, and lo and behold, I present to you…:

I’m Tiffany, Bitch

“The other day I did something I’d never done before. I went to Tiffany and bought a piece of silver jewelry. I’ve never been one to obsess over a brand name – I drive a practical car and don’t need to have Prada shoes. So the Tiffany purchase was a bit off-routine for me. But it had a great deal of purpose.

I recently passed the one-year anniversary of my divorce, and decided that it was time to stop hiding and start dating. A wise friend told me that as I start dating, I should keep in mind that I’m Tiffany – not Target.  This is true. Despite what many people (men) might think, I’m not desperate because I’m a divorced mom who’s over 40. I’ve come to terms with my life as it stands. And, while I’d much prefer to not be alone forever, I’d rather be alone than in the wrong situation. Which explains the Tiffany jewelry: I know I’m far more valuable than what some men might think.

Exhibit A: my first date since the divorce. He wasn’t at all what I’d typically identify as my ideal date. Not tall enough, old enough, funny enough, successful enough or confident enough. Never been married and no kids, so relating on that level would be tough. But hey – he came highly recommended and was different from anyone I’d dated before. So I thought – let’s give this a try.

He did all the right things leading up to the date. So I’ll admit I was pleasantly surprised and maybe a little bit hopeful as date-day approached. And as we sat down at the local bar for a couple of drinks and conversation, I was open to the idea that perhaps despite my preconceptions, there could potentially be something here.

UNTIL the date changed - over a span of ten minutes. In that time he…

Went outside and smoked a cigarette (though I’m a loud non-smoker)

Came back into the bar, grabbed me and stuck his (cigarette-tasting) tongue in my mouth.

Told me he wanted to see me naked.

Asked me what my expectations were.

And told me he wanted a “friends with benefits” relationship where he could get sex but walk away at any moment. (The plus: I could walk away whenever, too.)

“I’ve dated divorced women with kids before. I just don’t want you to expect anything from me.”

I threw my head back, hands on breasts, and said “Oh, you’re not going to see these.”

His head snapped back in shock. (And probably disappointment because yes, I’m stacked.)

After a pretty humorous conversation where I laughed heartily (though in a friendly way), he dutifully drove me home and asked me to re-consider his “offer.” I emphatically replied that “we could be friends but, er, I’m a good catch. So…no.”

I guess he deserves points for being so brutally honest. But no, his offer is not good enough. Yes, I’d rather be “alone” or with my girlfriends or even my CAT than take him up on that. Yes, I am Tiffany, bitch. And I have the jewelry to remind him, should he need it.

And all you other ladies out there, YOU are Tiffany, too. Now go get yourself a blue box and never EVER leave your self-esteem at the door.”

(Note to the people of Tiffany: I welcome offers of free jewelry at any time.)

Catherine Cassidy

When we go through major transitions in life sometimes we feel the need to make sweeping changes.  We quit our jobs, go to therapy, consider a move out of state. 

Change is good.  But it can be difficult.  Especially when it wasn’t your idea.

Like when we find ourselves fresh out of a relationship.  Right after a break up we often feel bored, depressed, too fat, too thin, and all around blah, blah, blah.  We’ve gotten comfortable with our every day staples and too attached to those old comfy sweats or our ex’s college t-shirts.  If you’ve been dumped, your self-esteem is also probably in the crapper.  The last thing you feel like doing is getting dressed up and putting on lipstick.  

But life must go on, right?  And Step One is boosting our self-image so that we can take full advantage of the opportunities the world is presenting to us right now.  One of the best ways to accomplish this is by giving your closet a once-over.  Personally, when my ex and I broke up, I gave away a bunch of clothes that were perfectly fine but reminded me of dates or holidays we spent together.  Buh-bye.  By overhauling our wardrobe we give ourselves a chance to reimagine who we are, and more importantly, who we are going to be.  

Catherine Cassidy knows all about effecting positive change through clothing.  As an wardrobe consultant and stylist she helps women get a grip on their image by transforming their closets.  Her efforts have helped women land their dream job, put together a great look for corporate headshots, and simply find more appropriate clothing choices as they begin new chapters in their lives.

I interviewed Catherine to find out how changing your image can also change your outlook.  And why it’s so important sometimes that we do both:

 Describe LIFE*Styled and your mission.

My mission with LIFE*styled is to empower women to do something for themselves. It’s a tough job trying to balance a career with a personal life, but it’s a huge help to have someone else working tirelessly (or just an hour a month, whatever your budget) to make sure you look and feel great. It’s really about realizing that it’s OK to ask for help, and/or outsource it!

Why do you think it’s so important for a woman to carefully consider her wardrobe?

Carl Weisman is no stranger to affairs of the heart. In 2007, he wrote the book, “So Why Have You Never Been Married: 10 Insights Into Why He’s Never Wed,” attempting to demystify why some men refuse to relinquish their bachelor status. The book got a lot of media attention AND positive reviews – from both men and women – on Amazon.com
After tons of comments and feedback, Weisman felt a follow-up was in order.  He quickly embarked on his next book, “Serious Doubts: Why People Marry When They Know it Won’t Last.” This book takes a look at why people stay in relationships that are unsatisfying. Worse yet, they actually move forward and marry people they don’t love or don’t believe will make a good partner.

If you would like to share your experiences about how you found the strength/courage to leave an unsatisfying or unhealthy relationship, Carl is offering our readers the opportunity to be featured in his new book.  You can submit your story at info@thathappenedtome.com.  Please mention if you would like to remain anonymous.

How to Marry the Wrong Guy

***UPDATE 7/11/09 Check out the latest article on the book and learn more about the authors’ inspiration.  

I had the good fortune of meeting one of the co-writers of “How To Marrry the Wrong Guy: A Guide to Avoiding the Biggest Mistake of Your Life,” yesterday and we talked at great length about how necessary a book like this is.

The two women who wrote the book - and run the accompanying website - have first hand experience in affairs of the heart.  Anne Milford called off her wedding because deep down, she just knew it wasn’t right.  Jennifer Dauvain is a marriage and family therapist who has seen an all too-familiar scenario play out: woman marries man despite not feeling a deep love and passion for him.  Man and woman have problems (duh).  Man and woman head to therapists’ couch.  Marriage cannot be saved if there was nothing worth saving in the first place.

It doesn’t seem like rocket science, but these two women have interviewed enough wives (and now, ex-wives) to know that it’s happening a lot more often than we might think.  The silver lining here is that a bad marriage can be avoided.

If you can answer any of these questions positively, you NEED to read this book:

• Do you think you may be marrying the wrong guy?
• Do you have cold feet and want to call off your wedding?
• Do you have doubts about your boyfriend?
• Do you wonder why you’re settling for a dead-end relationship?

If you answered YES, a) be proud for being honest with yourself and b) consider today your lucky day, because www.coldfeetpress.com is offering a 25% discount to That Happened to Me readers.

Just go here and enter THTM (all caps, no spaces) as the coupon code.  Offer ends July 31.

Don’t say we didn’t warn you.