Transitional Relationships - Good, Bad or Ugly?
She’s baaaack.
It’s Tiffany. Fresh from a winter break-up and ready to spill the beans.
*Confessions of a Vulnerable Woman*
I have a confession to make. I haven’t been acting very Tiffany-like the last few months. In fact, I did the exact opposite of what I professed to do here. The exact opposite of what I promised the moment I bought that Tiffany jewelry several months ago.
I met a man. And I let him hurt me.
He was smart enough, witty enough, successful enough and tall enough. He was HANDSOME. He said all the right things. We had a zillion common interests. And we connected instantly.
Ironically, and after a 4-hour dinner, we decided to go back to the scene of the crime – the place where my first post-divorce date told me he wanted to be able to have sex with me and leave at any time.
Ironically, this is where I fell for him.
I’ll be honest: I was blind. He said from the beginning that he didn’t have the “time” for a relationship. His job and his son were his priorities, which I can completely relate to. He kept telling me that I’d be in a very different place in one year, and that he was put in my life here, now, to serve a purpose.
I didn’t really understand what he meant by all that, I suppose. So I accepted seeing him only occasionally. And I accepted that I didn’t have his phone number. Never went to his house. And we corresponded only via email.
But when we were together? It was intense. Intensity I’d never felt before – or maybe just not in years. Intensity that said to me that he’d drop whatever he was doing – job and child aside – for me. Intensity that said he missed me (which he also said verbally) and wanted to be with me. And oh…passion.
But the unsettled feeling in the pit of my stomach kept bugging me and one night after too much wine I asked the question. And I got the answer.
“It’s not serious with her.”
So what was I? We talked about it for hours.
“You are amazing. Wonderful. Important. Fun. You are a great date. We are lovers,” he said. The bottom line is that I was all that was missing from his relationship. I filled in a lot of blanks – and it was perfect.
Perfect for him. So I ended it two days later, thanks to pressure from a couple good friends. Thinking back, he was pretty honest from the beginning that he didn’t want a relationship. As things progressed, our connection grew deeper and the relationship intensified, so I started to believe that maybe that had changed. But then he’d say, “We’re not in a place where we could hurt each other.” It was all right there in front of me. Yet I chose to ignore it because I really fell for him hard. But, ultimately I had a hard time accepting that I was filling in for the inadequacies of someone else’s relationship.
I’ve since been told that I should have rolled with it - that he was really good for me on many levels, and that a “transitional”or “fill-in” relationship is what I really need right now. I’ve been asked to consider that sort of relationship with others. Apparently, it’s common for people to get involved with each other to fill time, as a placebo for a real committed relationship, to make up for what’s missing in their current relationship. And it really, really works for some people.
“Don’t hurt me, and I won’t hurt you,” he’d say. But in this sort of transitional relationship – any relationship, really – doesn’t someone always get hurt? Or is it that this “transitional relationship” thing is just not for me or not for me right now? Is it that I’m too vulnerable (it’s tattooed on my forehead)? Care too much? Am missing out on a good thing? Is it possible to throw up an emotional wall and go for it?
What say you?
One final thing: Maybe it wasn’t so much that I let him hurt me. Maybe I let me hurt me. And maybe the guy in my first post wasn’t so bad after all. At least he was brutally honest.
Tags: dating, divorce, relationships, transition
January 4th, 2010 at 2:17 pm
Sorry to hear you got hurt. I think that kind of relationship works only if both parties are amicable. I’ve been in a “relationship” like that after my long-term boyfriend broke up with me. Neither of us had expectations and no one got hurt, and although we don’t have intimacy in our relationship anymore, we are still good friends. I think for most women, it’s tough to have this kind of relationship though. I think we invest more emotionally. I was surprised myself that I could have this kind of relationship. But now I’m ready for something more with someone else.
January 4th, 2010 at 5:23 pm
Honestly, I don’t think that there is a perfect answer to that question. Some people can go from one relationship to the next, while others need time to find themselves again, almost a mourning you might call it. To be quite honest it’s was almost scary reading some of the things that he said to you about not “having time” etc. Why scary?.. simply because I myself have said the VERY SAME to a couple of women that I have been out of a few dates with. Although, I DID give them my phone number, I DID bring them to my house, I DID explain, in lengthy detail as to why it was I thought this way. My personal belief in MY relationships was that it was temporary for sure at the time… no one can know what will happen down the road. My stance is that I personally can’t put forth what I believe to be a decent amount of attention and time with a person to have a “serious” relationship with. I was thinking that my reason was the same as your guy’s….. until you said you didn’t have his number, never been to his house.. I read that and all I see are red flags and warning signs. Were you caught up in the moment? or did you just have too much hope and looked past them thinking it would turn into something “more” ?
January 4th, 2010 at 7:30 pm
That’s a tough deal, Tiff. I don’t know that there is an easy answer for you here. Unfortunately you have tof get out there date around to know what does and doesn’t work for you. like a bad bowl of soup you don’t need toeat the whole thing is bad. that’s what I did for a time. I just got out there and figured out what workedfor me… I think With a little more time you’ll get your answer. until then keep rocking your boots.
January 5th, 2010 at 1:23 am
I’m sorry that you got hurt… My take on the situation is that a “transitional relationship” isn’t for you, or isn’t for you right now, and also that he was just not that into you. I’ve been on both sides. I’ve been in situations where the guy just didn’t have “time” for a relationship. Also, once after a 5-year relationship, I got into a “transitional relationship” clearly and honestly explaining to the guy that it was all I was interested in at the moment. After a couple of months, he wanted “more.” I told him that I didn’t have “time” for a relationship (which really means that you don’t have time for that person.) I wasn’t into him, so I ended it. To me, that phrase is like a code word - if someone doesn’t have “time” for you, they’re just not enough into you to make time.
January 5th, 2010 at 5:33 pm
Well, Frank - I think I probably look past it all. You nailed it - too much hope, I suppose. Do believe he was into it - he was very down when he left my house that final time, said he regretted the situation and that everything was too complicated to explain. He is kind of a control freak and i think he just couldn’t control me. (shocker LOL). Anyway all of these comments are helpful. And ultimately the relationship will be helpful down the line, I think.
Muah