She’s baaaack.
It’s Tiffany. Fresh from a winter break-up and ready to spill the beans.
*Confessions of a Vulnerable Woman*
I have a confession to make. I haven’t been acting very Tiffany-like the last few months. In fact, I did the exact opposite of what I professed to do here. The exact opposite of what I promised the moment I bought that Tiffany jewelry several months ago.
I met a man. And I let him hurt me.
He was smart enough, witty enough, successful enough and tall enough. He was HANDSOME. He said all the right things. We had a zillion common interests. And we connected instantly.
Ironically, and after a 4-hour dinner, we decided to go back to the scene of the crime – the place where my first post-divorce date told me he wanted to be able to have sex with me and leave at any time.
Ironically, this is where I fell for him.
I’ll be honest: I was blind. He said from the beginning that he didn’t have the “time” for a relationship. His job and his son were his priorities, which I can completely relate to. He kept telling me that I’d be in a very different place in one year, and that he was put in my life here, now, to serve a purpose.
I didn’t really understand what he meant by all that, I suppose. So I accepted seeing him only occasionally. And I accepted that I didn’t have his phone number. Never went to his house. And we corresponded only via email.
But when we were together? It was intense. Intensity I’d never felt before – or maybe just not in years. Intensity that said to me that he’d drop whatever he was doing – job and child aside – for me. Intensity that said he missed me (which he also said verbally) and wanted to be with me. And oh…passion.
But the unsettled feeling in the pit of my stomach kept bugging me and one night after too much wine I asked the question. And I got the answer.
“It’s not serious with her.”
So what was I? We talked about it for hours.
“You are amazing. Wonderful. Important. Fun. You are a great date. We are lovers,” he said. The bottom line is that I was all that was missing from his relationship. I filled in a lot of blanks – and it was perfect.
Perfect for him. So I ended it two days later, thanks to pressure from a couple good friends. Thinking back, he was pretty honest from the beginning that he didn’t want a relationship. As things progressed, our connection grew deeper and the relationship intensified, so I started to believe that maybe that had changed. But then he’d say, “We’re not in a place where we could hurt each other.” It was all right there in front of me. Yet I chose to ignore it because I really fell for him hard. But, ultimately I had a hard time accepting that I was filling in for the inadequacies of someone else’s relationship.
I’ve since been told that I should have rolled with it - that he was really good for me on many levels, and that a “transitional”or “fill-in” relationship is what I really need right now. I’ve been asked to consider that sort of relationship with others. Apparently, it’s common for people to get involved with each other to fill time, as a placebo for a real committed relationship, to make up for what’s missing in their current relationship. And it really, really works for some people.
“Don’t hurt me, and I won’t hurt you,” he’d say. But in this sort of transitional relationship – any relationship, really – doesn’t someone always get hurt? Or is it that this “transitional relationship” thing is just not for me or not for me right now? Is it that I’m too vulnerable (it’s tattooed on my forehead)? Care too much? Am missing out on a good thing? Is it possible to throw up an emotional wall and go for it?
What say you?
One final thing: Maybe it wasn’t so much that I let him hurt me. Maybe I let me hurt me. And maybe the guy in my first post wasn’t so bad after all. At least he was brutally honest.
