Identity Crisis: What To Do When You’re No Longer Part of a Couple
Since our (previously mentioned) Forums coup is still raging, I thought I would introduce the latest member of That Happened to Me here, and use this opportunity to share her story. She needs help. She is not suddenly single, but in the midst of what sounds like a post-breakup identity crisis - a phase all too familiar to those of us who exited unhealthy relationships and began the path to self-discovery and re-definition. Defining who you are when you are no longer part of a couple can be confusing and disheartening, as it often doesn’t happen overnight and certainly not without asking some tough questions. But it can also be exhilarating and empowering when your true self starts to emerge and new path starts to unfold. So ladies, let’s show “Beezy” how it’s done:
“I cannot continue to live my life the way I have been.”
“When I was 17 and about to graduate high school, I met a guy. We were together for a little more than four years, but the relationship was tumultuous (to say the least). He started relationships with several females while we were together, and had sex with three of them. Instead of leaving, I stayed because he convinced me that he would change. By the time I finally ended it I was 23 and had completely lost who I was as a person. I had gone from high school to house wife, and never really learned to grow up and take care of myself. I moved to another state to start school, and soon after found out he married my best friend. It has been four years since the relationship ended- I have not been in a relationship or had sex since, and I have only kissed three men. I try to talk to men, but I quickly lose interest and stop talking to them before anything can get physical. What started out as a voluntary hiatus from the dating world has turned into a permanent complex. I don’t know where to start or how to move forward. I get very uncomfortable meeting men and the few I have were forced upon me by friends who thought they were helping.
What advice do you have for me?”
Tags: advice, identity crisis, self-discovery
June 17th, 2009 at 10:31 pm
Dear Beezy – I am not a therapist, but my gut tells me you could use a self-confidence boost. It is my humble opinion that when you feel good about yourself, other people tend to like you, too. Why is this important? Men (and women) are attracted to someone who seems to have something going on. What do you LOVE to do? What are you good at? Set small goals for yourself to become even better at it. This could be something either at work or at home. When you reach these small goals, savor the satisfaction of knowing YOU did something AND that you did it well. When you achieve, you build confidence and begin to realize that you can trust yourself and develop better judgment to make sound decisions – even in the relationship department. I believe if you put some focus on yourself in this way, you’ll learn to make better choices and maybe will be more open to meeting a partner. Any therapists out there who care to expand or refute my suggestion?
June 19th, 2009 at 3:55 pm
I agree with Doda. It’s not the end-all be-all, but gaining self-confidence in one area definitely spills over into all aspects of your life. How has your professional life been these past few years? Do you like what you are doing? Do you feel connected to your work? Changing some things there might be a good first step towards overhauling your personal life. I don’t mean to minimize your worry about your lack of intimate relationships, but I also can’t ask you to just “change your attitude” and fling yourself out there without first creating a little self-confidence.
June 19th, 2009 at 9:55 pm
Thank you for your comments. I feel that I need to clarify a few things from my story because I may have given the wrong impression.
I have no issues with self esteem. I did at first, I’ll give you that. But after moving, starting school, and finding my passion, I was able to “find” myself. My real issue is that I WANT to get out there and meet someone, I have been ready for years. I just have no idea how. I moved back to my hometown when the economy went south so I could finish school without going broke. It is a very small military town- a Chili’s, a movie theater, and a bar. There aren’t many choices for meeting someone other than online, and I haven’t had much luck with that either. I lose interest in the men I do meet because a lot of people in my town are very close minded while I am more liberal, and we just don’t get along.
I hope this makes more sense!! And I really do appreciate all replies.
June 19th, 2009 at 10:50 pm
I totally understand. And I’m glad to hear that you are (at least relatively)happy with your chosen profession. Living in a small town can be frustrating - for all the reasons you mention. And good for you for knowing what the problem is - you have a more progressive viewpoint than most of your neighbors. Means nothing is wrong with you - just that you happen to be living in the wrong place
But assuming you can’t change that right now, I would recommend you stick with online dating. I know it’s kind of a drag (I did it myself for a few months), but it seems like the only way to expand your horizons, so to speak. Are you within driving distance of a major city? It might take a little more effort on your part, but it may pay off to try and do activities there where the chance of meeting someone more like-minded is greater than at your local Chili’s.
You also might want to be more selective with the dating sites you are using. Personally, I found most of them way too cheesy/meat-market-y and thus, very discouraging. I narrowed it down to one or two that I felt comfortable with. I didn’t find the love of my life that way, but it got me out there again and removed the fear factor (which was huge for me). I won’t regale you with the advice that you need to “get out there more,” and put on lipstick every time you go to the grocery store. It seems to me you know what you’re dealing with - a small dating pool - that isn’t changing anytime soon. So, in the meantime, online dating at least offers you the opportunity to screen from home. Far better than wasting a good outfit (and precious face time) on a guy you would have deleted 2 seconds into an online conversation.