Regrets. We all have them, right? I am always interested in hearing what people count among theirs. Sometimes I am surprised at what they say: not having attended college X, not moving to that new city when they had the chance, not being ready for a relationship with The One when he was around - and interested.

In this article from HBO producer Sheila Nevins, she reveals the regrets of a group of older women; at a dinner party celebrating a mutual girlfriend’s 60th birthday they play the game Do It Yesterday.  I was surprised - and saddened - to read of the deep regrets these women had - about marrying the wrong man, not having children and staying in the closet, among them.  Not exactly throwaway comments about not learning to skydive or wishing you had backpacked through Europe.

It made me think about what I consider to be my own regrets, and ponder how I might answer if I were asked that question on the brink of my 6th decade.  With that much living under one’s belt, it seems impossible not to have taken a wrong turn here or there, but what causes a complete derailment on the road of life, causing the equivalent of one’s own personal faultline?  A crevice so deep everything else around it also succumbs.  Is it actually the wrong turn, or our decision to stay on that course, even knowing deep down that it isn’t the right one, that’s the culprit?

If you are reading this blog, you’ve probably found yourself at an unexpected place in life.  Whether it was your decision or a decision made for you by an ex, YOU ARE HERE.  Probably single, maybe unemployed, and definitely pondering your next steps.  What these next steps are will determine how you answer the question 30 years down the road: What are your regrets?

We can’t regret someone else’s behavior.  But we can regret our reaction to it (happens all the time, right?)  But then what? Once you realize it’s a regret, what do you do with it?

I’m learning something: there is a big difference between happy people and sad people, and I’m getting the feeling that the happy people’s regret columns are a lot shorter.  Sad people tend to need more paper.  Why is that?  You can bet it’s not because the happy person has never taken a misstep.  Granted, it’s not as simple as “turning lemons into lemonade” (a phrase that generally really rubs me the wrong way).  We all make mistakes because we’re human.  To try and avoid mistake making is to live a life of constant fear, the quickest route to Regret City.  It’s the ability to look at a situation, size it up and move forward, that will shift your list from column A to column B.

I am not suggesting this shift happens overnight.  This is where the lemonade comment tends to get on my nerves.  The process of acknowledging that something isn’t a good fit for us can take months, even years.  The journey can’t be rushed.  But when the answer makes itself known, it’s time for action.

It’s in those moments that I think we have the power to avoid living a life of regrets.  A series of definitive moments allows us to choose our paths and change course when need be.  Recognize your choices and the fact that life is a fluid process.

Do I regret ever getting into a relationship that would ultimately hurt me?  It’s complicated, because then I have to imagine what I would have been doing instead all those years.  And that’s a slippery slope.  It happened.  I was a conscious part of it.  Now it’s time for the next phase.   When I am 60, if someone asked me if I regretted the relationship, I would say no.  However, if they asked me about my life that followed, I want to be able to say no, too.  That’s where I am right now.  At one of my definitive moments.  My choices now will make all the difference in how I answer later.

I am listening very closely to myself about what I want and not panicking about what I don’t yet have the answers to.  What’s that phrase, you won’t regret the things you did, but rather the things you didn’t do.  Yeah, I agree with that.

The Queen of Relationships is sort of our step-sister.  We’re both “related” to www.singlewomenrule.com in that we are regular contributors to the site.  This week, the Queen’s featured blog detailed all the perks she enjoys as a completely unattached gal.  I read through the list and admit, once I got over the shock and hurt of being dumped, really learned to love some of the things she mentions on her list.  It sounds cliche, but freedom really is a beautiful thing, and sometimes it takes having not had it for awhile to truly appreciate its value.

“You know what’s funny to me? I can’t count how many times married couples have told me, “Do NOT get married!”. While the married people are bitching about being married, the single people are bitching about being single. Each of them think that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. I think that single people want to get married because they feel as if they are missing out on something, and married people want to be single because they know they are missing out on something. Crazy, eh?”

To read the rest of this entry, go to http://queenofrelationships.com/ten-reasons-its-great-to-be-single/

In honor of reaching 100,000 followers on Twitter, Wyclef Jean offered up a free concert today via his site.  I know it has nothing to do with the usual THTM news, but I just love Wyclef.  Not only is he a great musician, but his support of his native Haiti is unparalleled by any other entertainer.

Check out http://www.yele.org/ for more information.

Today I am honored to bring you a guest post from fellow blogger Jennifer, who, a few months ago shared with us her plans to trash her wedding dress and document the symbolic destruction in an afternoon photo session with professional photographers.  At the time, I thought she was a woman like me, angry and disappointed after feeling like we had been sold a false bill of goods, but ready to dust ourselves off and get on with life.  She found herself divorcing after less than a year of marriage.  I never even made it down the aisle.  How do these things happen, we both wondered. 

Jennifer’s story of her unraveling marriage began long before she filed for divorce.  And I’m discovering that our stories are very different.  Unknown to friends and family, she had been suffering as an abused wife.  This month, she is celebrating her first anniversary of freedom, but admits that all is not rosy in her life, and feels only at the beginning of what is a long road back to herself.  One year later, she reflects on how she got to this point, and what she hopes the future will hold.  Even though my story is not the same, what we have in common (and what all of use have in common) is that we are each rebuilding, laying the foundation for a future that is ours to create.  We pledged to stand by our men ”for better or worse,” and now we have to make the same promise to ourselves.  For better or worse, we need to be our own best friends.  

Jennifer possesses what I call “realistic strength” - strength that ebbs and flows - and is a reminder that in order to be successful you don’t have to win every battle.  You just have to keep up the fight.      

May 8, 2008

What do you do when things don’t go your way? I mean, like, officially not your way.  Just not happening for ‘ya in the way/order you predicted/worked towards.  How do you handle it?

This happened to me this week.  Everything just kind of became a clusterf**k: appointments missed, calls returned too late so as to become moot points, events canceled or postponed.  Not major, life-threatening stuff, but frustrating, annoying, even-bad-TV-won’t-make-this-right, kind of aggravations.  Without giving too much away, I found out that a friend was leaving LA, one good biz lead fell through, and generally speaking I’m not healing from my surgery as fast as I’d like to.  (Oh, and then there was the hair dying thing that didn’t exactly turn out the way I wanted it to).  There I said it.  Wah.

So, because I have a blog, I get to whine in public.  Something my mother would not be proud of, but sometimes you just need a good whine.  Usually, I try to self-assess, and then self-medicate, so as to minimize the damage I do to the unsuspecting public with my piss-poor attitude.  I managed to pull this off for most of the week.  Until yesterday.  Then I had to send my BFF (thank god for BFF’s) an email with the subject header: “I’m Officially Going to Kill Myself.”  Granted, I was not even close, but it felt good to type it out in all its capitalized, exclamation point-ed glory. 

I’ll describe the general state of my emotions to you and then maybe we can compare notes:

-Irritable. You know when everything and everyone annoys you?  Not like you’re really mad, but just irritated enough to be wholly unpleasant to be around.   Because in your head, you’re thinking, “gee, your  dumb,” all the time, about everyone.  Chatty neighbor = dumb.  Cashier at grocery store = dumb.  Lady Who Can’t Find Her Money and Holds Up the Entire Line of Cars Trying to Exit Parking Lot When You Are Running Late for An Appointment = dumb, bordering on potential victim of my building fury.

-Hot.  It’s too hot in LA right now. Unseasonable, (read: dumb) weather sets me off.  Hello, Mother Nature, get the memo.  It’s not summer yet.  Straighten yourself out so that I may be more comfortable.  (No, this is not the time to discuss Global Warming and Its Negative Effects on the Environment.  We’re talking about me, here.)  

-UnFocused: This happens to me rarely, so when it does I feel like a mistreated puppy with ADD.  I am a writer by education and trade, which in turn also makes me a reader.  I heart reading.  So when I can’t do it well it affects both my livelihood and my designated downtime, since reading is basically what I do.  When I can’t concentrate on reading something I get very cranky.  Whimper whimper.

-In Pain: Have you ever had surgery or sustained an injury, gone through the recuperation phase, and then just when you thought the coast was clear, had a resurgence of pain and/or discomfort?  Sometimes it’s the injury giving it one last heave ho, but other times, it’s a new, complimentary strain.  Like a steak and potatos,  antibiotics/yeast infection kind of thing.  Fun times.

(If you know what I’m talking about, please raise your hand.  Can I get an Amen?) 

*Side note: Can someone explain to me how a Major National Drugstore chain ”runs out” of a popular medication (see: dumb) and therefore gives you a scant three and a half pills and makes you return the next day to stand in line again with senior citizens who can’t figure out what the new medicare system pays for.  JUST GET MORE PILLS, DAMMIT.

Um, anyone not getting my point?  I didn’t think so.  I don’t want to overstay my welcome (even on my own blog) so I’ll end the corny TGIF griping here.  But feel free to share with me the things really dim your inner sunshine.  And more importantly, what to do to get it back.  I think I’ll go bake a banana bread.  Baking relaxes me.  So does eating.