Right now I am sitting in bed, eating oatmeal with a baby spoon and thinking about Natasha Richardson.

Five weeks ago I had a rather invasive jaw surgery. I knew it was coming, planned for it, but it was still pretty intense. About 4 days after surgery I woke up in the middle of the night and felt something wasn’t right. I called 911.

Yes, I did. I woke people up at 4am. Got them out of bed and created a ruckus. An ambulance came, sirens blaring and 4 paramedics rushed in and whisked me to the ER. I couldn’t breathe. My mouth was banded shut so I couldn’t explain that very well, I could only grunt and shake my head “yes” or “no”. Likewise, I couldn’t see inside my mouth - the site of all the major construction, to make my own diagnosis. I wasn’t sure what was going on, but I didn’t wait to see if it would pass and I would feel better in five minutes. I just called 911.

I’ve never done that before. Thank God, I’ve never had a reason to. I’ve never ridden in an ambulance before and I’ve only ever been to the ER for a dog bite. I hesitated for about a split second and thought about the fact that I hadn’t showered in days, that I was wearing one set of pajamas on top, and another on the bottom, and that I had no idea if my insurance was going to cover this. Maybe I could walk to the hospital? I should probably not bother everyone and just wait it out, right? I mean, how embarrassing. And then I told that voice to shut up.

I’m sure Natasha Richardson didn’t feel that bad after she hit her head. She refused treatment twice. Felt ok enough to sign a piece of paper that said something along the lines of, “I am refusing treatment.” I’m sure she didn’t want to interrupt her kid’s skiing lesson or make a big stink during her family vacation. She probably didn’t want to call her husband on his movie set and worry him about a little bump on her head.

And then she died.

By the time she started to feel crappy, it was on the near side of being too late. The ski resort was very far from a facility that could treat this kind of trauma. It took many hours and many transfers to get her the medical treatment she needed. Ladies, if this poor woman had to lose her life, I want us all to promise that we won’t let this happen again. So many of us don’t want to be a bother, don’t want to make a fuss, don’t want our kids to feel badly or get scared. I bet if it had been her son who fell, she would have had that kid at the ER in 5 minutes flat. For other people, we do. We schlep, we care for. For ourselves, not so much.

You better believe that if it was a guy who hurt himself, he would have found a way to airlift himself to the nearest surgery center. Once a man decides he is in pain, the whole world hears about it (girls, if you’ve ever had a boyfriend/husband with the flu, you know exactly what I’m talking about). So once again, let’s take a lesson from how the guys do it: be loud, be heard and put yourself first. Worry about what other people will think or say after the fact. Or rather, just don’t worry about it at all. A guy wouldn’t. Men don’t apologize so much.
Why do we?

I hope that women will think of Natasha Richardson everytime they put off going to the gynecologist. Or getting a mammogram. Or hit their head while on vacation. It might be nothing. In fact, it’s probably nothing (like in my case, thank god). But it just might be your life.

Relationship coach Ruth Purple posted a blog recently about the emotional process we go through following a breakup or divorce. I thought she did a good job of explaining the emotional roller-coaster that often follows such a traumatic event. She presented some good cases; I made some slight modifications based on my own experiences….

“Break(ing) up is very painful no matter how much you justify it, whether you came from a toxic relationship or not you will still go through the process of grieving. You will still experience being woken up with the pain of a broken heart, you will find yourself crying every moment in the middle traffic or in the middle of work, you will undergo crying yourself to sleep or, losing your appetite and drinking until you can’t feel anything. You will feel being paralyzed by the pain and in most times you will get to question why did this happened- a bad, horrible dream.”

True, true, and more true. My advice: do NOT, under any circumstances, turn on the radio. Every song will increase your chances of blubbering. Listen only to talk radio and news about other people and places in much worse condition than you are. You will find this strangely reassuring.

Don’t eat what you don’t want to. I existed on cookies, peanut M&M’s and Kahlua for about 4 months. Not the best diet, but I didn’t die from it, either. Sure, I lost some weight - and I wouldn’t advocate it for the long term - but it made me feel a bit better and as far as I know, I didn’t get rickets, so don’t let people pressure you into eating full meals or foods that don’t interest you. Your appetite will return when it’s ready to.

“Expect that the next few days…(will be) very torturous. You will be in denial, in shock and in insufferable pain. After two to three days…give and allow yourself time to mourn, cry your heart out and let all the pain drain, shout if you must in the privacy of your bedroom.”

I agree with this statement, except change “days” to “weeks.” Anyone who is done with this phase in a matter of days was not really in love. Not with another human being, anyway.

“Then call up friends and family that will support you and not blame you. Stay clear of friends that make you feel bad or sorry or guilty. Keep away from friends who still think of their own welfare and take advantage of your vulnerability and make you feel that you owe them something by helping you in this painful stage.”

She hits the nail on the head with this one. When you’re ready, call your friends. Ask them to keep you company or get you out of the house. But under no circumstances, should you go to the movies. Every movie will be about you and your relationship. Or your mother. Don’t do it. Unless it’s Schindler’s List, skip the movies.

“Run to family and friends who make you experience that you are unconditionally cared for. After a break up surround yourself with family and friends that would embrace you and tell you it’s alright to cry and grieve. Go to work but don’t stress yourself out by it. Finish simple tasks and unwind and appreciate yourself by surviving the day.”

You will cry at work. This is a given. You’ll cry at the gym (that is, if you make it to the gym). You’ll cry at the supermarket. I used my sunglasses for this last one. Who cares what people think? Looking at someone wearing sunglasses indoors is a lot less weird than seeing a lady crying over the apples.

By “simple tasks,” she means showering. Give yourself a pat on the back for every day you manage to shower, get dressed and go to work. This is a huge accomplishment.

“No matter how bad you feel, find a purpose. Getting over a break up takes time and you need to bind yourself with people who understand what you are going through. Getting over a break up is a roller coaster ride of emotional turmoil and you don’t know until when you’ll be in this ride, that’s why it’s important to connect with friends who encourage you to take care of yourself, to help you get through the day. When you are in this aching stage, look out for your wellbeing, this is the best time to put yourself first. Don’t pressure yourself. Take each day at a time.”

I agree with her 100% about this. Give yourself credit for each outing you manage to make it through. If you find yourself uncomfortable with a situation or conversation, get out. It means you’re not ready for it. Don’t worry, you will be, you just aren’t right now. Don’t expect to be the life of the party. No one else expects you to be a ball of laughs, so don’t put that added pressure on yourself. Don’t feel badly if you aren’t that hungry or don’t want to look at so-and-so’s pictures from their weekend in Palm Springs. It’s OK. There will be more dinners and trips and parties in the future.

The big lesson here is: pace yourself. You will be experiencing so many emotions during these first months that each day will be a different show. One step forward, two steps back. If you go out on a limb and it doesn’t feel comfortable, come scurrying back. Don’t judge yourself or your reactions. They are what they are right now. Your friends will understand. They will help you through it. Anyone who doesn’t should get dropped.

Ms. Purple is right when she says there is no way of knowing exactly how long you will be feeling like this. And no, it is not fun. But one thing we can all guarantee is that it is temporary.

About the author:

Ruth Purple is a successful Relationship Coach who has been helping and coaching individuals and couples for many years. Ruth now decided to share her knowledge through this site, Relazine.com. You can sign up for her free weekly newsletter and learn how to find love and compassion in your relationship.

My latest post for Women Entrepreneurs - The Secrets of Success, is up. At WES, the month of March is dedicated to discussing the concepts of “refresh and renew,” a spring cleaning of the mind, if you will. My contribution focuses on my “forced” renewal after going through surgery in February. Hope you check it out….

“One month post-op my brain is beginning to hum again. I tried to work after about 2 ½ weeks, but really wasn’t hitting the mark and it only took a little while to realize that I’d be doing myself a disservice – both personally and professionally – if I tried to do too much too soon. I don’t like to present work that I’m not proud of and anything produced with a head full of pain medication just would not be up to par.”

To continue reading, go to http://womenentrepreneursecrets.blogspot.com/

WES is a blog created by career coach Deborah Bailey, and features tons of female entrepreneurs offering informal advice and information about how they achieved their career goals.

Are you a single woman between the ages of 25 and 40 without kids of your own? Was this a conscious choice or due to varying life circumstances? Based on requests from its readers, our parnters at SingleWomenRule.com have created a new section dedicated to discussing this “alternative” lifestyle. While the world often seems dedicated to promoting family values, those of us who have opted to wait to start our families - or forego them altogether - are an equally vibrant and significant part of society. We are not crying into our oatmeal or joining cat appreciation societies. We just don’t have kids. Is that so wrong?

Share your thoughts with us. We’d love to hear from you about how you are choosing to live your life.

www.singlewomenrule.com

I wanted to repost this blog here as I felt it would have a lot of meaning and significance to many of you. That plus it’s written by a very good friend of THTM, the Duchess.

“I have a vivid memory of a parable on the wall of one of my high school
classrooms called “The Frog and the Well.” This Hindu Parable is about a
frog who leads a peaceful, content life at the bottom of a well. He was
born there and it’s all he’d ever known. He appreciated his safe life. He
had water, it was cool and shaded, there was plenty to eat and he could
see the stars above at night. Occasionally birds would stop and talk with the frog.
He would invite the birds to come down and join him at the bottom of the
well. They would politely decline, explaining that he should really come out
of the well and see the rest of the world. But the frog was convinced his
comfortable well was the best the world had to offer and he would refuse to
leave.”

Continue reading at http://singlemindedwomen.com/2009/02/duchess-digest-parables/